To Mask or Not to Mask

My Pumpkin Plant  

I wanted to show you my plant that I grew from a seed. After this meeting*, I am going to plant it in my garden. That’s what I am doing while I wait out this pandemic. I am not watching TV or being on social media. I get my news by reading 3 newspapers. One liberal, one conservative and one local. Even with that, I almost missed the most important statement made last week by one of our government officials.

On Tuesday, July 15^th, Dr. Robert Redfield, director of the U. S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said,

“If we could get everybody to wear a mask right now, I really do think over the next four, six, eight weeks, we could bring this epidemic under control.” 

Think about that.

“If we could get everybody to wear a mask right now, I really do think over the next four, six, eight weeks, we could bring this epidemic under control.” 

Let’s use the longest time: eight weeks, that’s about 2 months. If we started today, just think of the possibilities. July 23^rd, August 23^rd, September 23^rd. Well, too late for that huge backyard BBQ for Labor Day. Colleges have just about given up on football this fall, so no tailgate parties before games.

But we could be virus-free in time for the annual drunken bacchanal, the Columbus Day Regatta when thousands of Miamians tie their boats together into huge rafts in the middle of Biscayne Bay, and party, party, party. Of course, in the light of all our being woke, perhaps the Columbus Day Regatta will be renamed Indigenous American Day Regatta. Still, I have faith in the people of South Florida to have a good time. True, as usual, a couple of party people will probably stumble off their boats and drown. But at least they died doing what they love: drinking while boating.

With the virus gone, there will be no way to get out of having Thanksgiving dinner with your family. I know you already were thinking up those excuses: “Dang, Aunt Agnes, we’d love to come, but we just wouldn’t feel right putting you in danger. We will really miss your green bean casserole” Yeah, sure.

Yes, you would have to suffer through Christmas carols starting in October. On the bright side, you already knitted all those scarves and canned all that mango jam while you were in quarantine, so Christmas presents are a snap. What, you mostly binged watched the Great British Baking Show and Lost? Good thing the malls will be open.

Most importantly, all those kids could be back in school. I know how ready parents are to put their darlings on those yellow school buses. Homeschooling is a tough job, doubly so when you are trying to keep your full-time job while overseeing  your child’s virtual learning.

So how do we get from having to stay inside to getting to go out? Dr. Redfield said everyone should just wear a mask for 8 weeks. 8 weeks. That’s not really very long. Or is it? For those of us who have been pregnant, we know that the last 8 weeks seem to drag on forever.

What about thinking it as the time to push to get that beach body we always promised ourselves? Only 8 weeks to lose those Covid-19 pounds you put on eating homemade sour dough bread. Only 8 weeks to find those abs you lost while sitting in front of a computer or lolling on your couch watching reruns of “Cheers” and “Breaking Bad”.

Let’s be real. Perhaps you are better than I at getting in good shape, but I know if I had 8 weeks before I was supposed to wear that bikini, the days would fly by. Probably so would the sourdough bread, right off my plate to my mouth to console me after weighing myself, but still, time would pass.

The only problem is that masks and the wearing of them is not being universally adopted. For a myriad of reasons, wearing or not wearing a mask has be come a political statement. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry when I see anti-mask protesters carrying signs that read “My Body, My Choice.” How ironic they have co-opted the pro-choice movement’s slogan.

Perhaps they are already wearing, “I Can’t Breathe” t-shirts.

So how do we get everyone to wear a mask? The government doesn’t seem to be able to be consistent, with one governor mandating masks, and another one forbidding local leaders to require them. Fortunately, our corporate boards have seen the light, or at least the bottom line. More and more stores are now requiring all shoppers to wear masks. As the Secretary of Defense during World War II, Charles Wilson is often misquoted as saying, “What’s good for General Motors is good for the country.” Now, what’s good for Wal-Mart is that we get into their stores and quit ordering everything from Amazon. If it takes making us wear masks, so be it.

Then yesterday, just a week after Dr. Redfield gave me hope, President Trump gave me pause. At his Tuesday night press briefing, he urged us to wear masks. He said, “Whether you like the mask or not, they have an impact.”

I do wonder if his endorsement will mean all the right-wingers will now start wearing masks. Then just as suddenly, all the left will throw theirs down in opposition. I hope not.

Because, as usual, it really is all about me. See, I have this plant I’m going to plant after this meeting. It is a pumpkin vine, and in 8 to 12 weeks, I plan to have pumpkins. Big pumpkins that I can give to my granddaughter and the little girls across the street. Pumpkins that they can carve into Jack-o-Lanterns. So that at Halloween, the only masks we will be seeing are when the trick-or-treaters come to my door. Make this happen for me. Wear a mask, and encourage everyone you know to wear one. Make me happy.

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*This is a speech I presented at my Early Bird Toastmasters club yesterday morning via Zoom.